To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
