I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
