I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
