Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
