drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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