that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
