I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
