im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
