my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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