I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
