I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
