I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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