Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
