$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
