What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
