After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
