ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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