fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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