My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
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Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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