yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
