Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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