My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
