respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
