My friends, they love my intelligence
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
