So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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