every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
