and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
