I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
