Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
