upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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