I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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