Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
