allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
