it hurts more in the daytime
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
