for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
