life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The uberlube is also flammable
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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