Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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