I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
we should paint friendship bongs
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