Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
