Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
