You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
