dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
