JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
