I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
