I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
