Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
