She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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