I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
