we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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