At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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