Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
