my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
