no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it glows. i had to have it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
