i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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