sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
