There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
